A few hours after Lumé went to heaven, the Sunday afternoon, our pastor paid a visit while most family members were at our home. We had to address the unthinkable…set a date to bury our child, and start with all the arrangements necessary to say that final goodbye. For sure one of the most painful and traumatising things a parent can go through. I would also say one of the most unfair. Why must a parent, while grieving so much, even still in disbelief, has to make these decisions and arrangements? How do you design an event to commemorate your worst fear? But as it is the last goodbye, we as parents wanted it the way we and I guess Lumé would have wanted it to be, so I imagine it’s also a job that can’t be delegated.
My thoughts went back eleven years ago, on 1 June 2006 when I walked as an excited and proud dad into the office of the ministry of home affairs to register the birth of our firstborn daughter and child, Lumé Maria de Beer, born on 30 May 2006. I excitedly took the birth certificate after it was issued and hurried back to the hospital to show Ronel. The next day we went home and started to care for Lumé, and would do anything to protect her. That is the responsibility a new parent has, to provide for and be responsible for this little life, for the rest of your life.
On Monday, 3 July 2017 I walked into the same office, just to a different counter, handed them the document received from the hospital the previous day, to register the death of that same daughter. It was surreal to look down at the death certificate of Lumé Maria de Beer, cause of death: Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Date of death: 2 July 2017. I dragged myself out of the office. I drove slowly. I knew what was awaiting me. I stopped at the offices of the funeral director, Avbob, and picked up all the documents needed to arrange the funeral of my child. I got myself out of the car and walked in with my father next to me.
Some of our friends and business partners from outside Namibia, who played a huge role in our and Lumé’s lives were in Namibia for that week and had to depart on Friday for New Zealand. The other part of our friends and associates would also leave that Friday for Johannesburg to a major seminar which we also planned to attend prior to this unforeseen event. Therefor we decided to have the funeral on Thursday. Only 4 days after her death. It did not leave us with much time, but I guess we just went with the flow, and it reminded us of how Lumé would have wanted something done. Quickly!
First days after Lumé went to Heaven
Those first few days were just a blur. Flowers were delivered, just flowers everywhere, and Ronel so loves flowers, but as result of these circumstances, it filled us with sadness. People from all over the city and country sent messages, flowers, condolences and cards. The parents from Lumé’s friends and netball team arranged meals for our family. People were praying from all over Namibia, South-Africa and overseas. Family jumped in and just helped and arranged where ever and whatever was needed. Thank you Lord, for people that care! You don’t think…you just do…with the knowledge that it is only the Lord that gives you the strength, to carry on, while your whole life come to a standstill. With the slightest reminder of her life and that she is gone, the tears are rolling. It’s like a tap that keep on flowing.
We were faced with a thousand impossible decisions. We delegated a few tasks to people who offered to help. We’ve spend most of our time to get photo’s together to be used in the funeral program and slideshow for the church service. What a difficult task to choose pictures from 11 years. How can you portray and show her whole life and who she was in a few images. It’s impossible. We also told each other that this is now exactly fitting to Lumé’s character – putting us under pressure to do something by a certain deadline. Patience was not one of her strong points. If she wanted something done, she used all her power and charms to get it done. This is the last thing we can do for her. She loved having parties, and somehow we saw this as a huge celebration party for her, of her life, with lots of sweets in trees, colourful setting of yellow, purple and blue, balloons and candles. We wanted to celebrate her life and rejoice – show her passion and love for life, but at the same time grieve for what is lost. Both have a place. Celebrating a life lived and mourns a life lost.
Since Sunday, sleep was very difficult, and even though we were very tired, Wednesday night was horrible. I could not sleep, I could not get my mind to stop, to rest. All that was going through my mind was that tomorrow I must bury my daughter, in a casket – her body that is now left on earth that we can never touch again, never kiss her nose again, never tickle her tummy or see her cute little feet. That big beautiful dark blue eyes that looked right through you. To never have a father-daughter-date again with her talking about school, sport and friends. She got to go to Heaven, but she left her body here. How does a parent do that? And why must we go through this? I was angry, so angry that this had happened to us.
Charné asked me in that week, “If God came and took His most beautiful flowers first, why didn’t He take herself and Danika as well? Why only Lumé?” She must have heard this from someone talking to us, and this is one of the most common sayings that should be scrapped from vocabulary. It reminded me of in the hospital, someone also told me the same thing: and my thought was: “Then why did He have to pick from my garden?” If this was the reason why people die, He must surely call all of us at one time for higher service, because who is ugly in His eyes?
One challenge we had 1 day before her burial was that they informed us Lumé could not fit into a children's coffin and therefore needed an adult coffin and to be buried in the adult area of the cemetary. This was not our last wish for her, because 2 weeks prior my wife and the girls visited their grandpa (my wife's dad) that passed away in 1996, with an old friend of the family Claud Titley that came and visited from New Zealand that time. Lumé made Ronel stopped at the children's area and wanted to walk to little Adrian Engelbrecht's grave ( a 5 year old boy that were with them in pre-primary that passed away 3 years prior). While they were walking she made comments about the little one's gravestones and settings and how she would want her's to be... This was very weird, but because of that, we just knew that she had to be in the same section as those little kids. So we suggested that they lift her legs a little bit to fit her into the children's size coffin. They had to dig a grave that morning of the burial, but happily did so.
The D-Day
The dreadful Thursday was upon us. Friends and doctors offered some anti-depressant and suppressant medication, but we decided not to take any pills. We didn’t want to numb our feelings – we had to wrestle through this pain to be able to live again. If we postpone this, it only lengthens the healing process. I finished the last things on the slideshow and had a meeting with the ladies from our church who were arranging everything for the church service. After that I remember that I sat back on my chair, thinking of her little body being buried in the ground in about 2 hours caused me to collapse with sadness - sobbing. I posted on my Facebook status that I needed a lot of prayers and strength, as I need to bury my child today. I walked up from our home office into our home and at that moment the following verse came up on my mobile phone via the Bible app: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13. People started to reply on my FB message that they are praying for us. At that moment I felt a supernatural calmness that came over me. I could feel how the Lord is giving me peace and strength for the task that lay ahead. This was the first of a number of times to follow that God started to speak to me clearly.
We went to the mortuary to see Lumé for the last time. She was dressed in her favourite white dress, she looked like an angel. Ronel put a letter that she wrote on Lumé’s chest and the girls put drawings in the casket with her – together with her favourite blanket and a stuffed toy. Two scripture readings that we found great comfort in during the last couple of days came to mind, as we were standing there watching her body:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. 16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: 17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.
2 Corinthians 5 : Our Heavenly Dwelling
5 For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, 3 if indeed by putting it on[a] we may not be found naked. 4 For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5 He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.
6 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, 7 for we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.
Paul is saying that this life on earth is living in a tent. But sooner or later this tent will be taken down, and we will have a house in heaven. Tents are temporary while our houses in Heaven are constructed and forever. I needed to remind myself of this constantly. Lumé is not her body. She will never be buried. Death is not the end. It is the beginning of her life with Jesus in paradise where her home is for eternity and I am going to see her when my tent is taken down. “What you’ve lost on earth, you will find in heaven.”
All the cousins were carrying the beautiful white casket. A picture of her and a rabbit was on top that was taken a few months before in Sun City, South Africa. It felt like we were watching a movie of someone else’s life.
One of our friends in attendance said that the moment when Lumé’s coffin descended into the grave, he looked up and saw a white dove flying straight over the grave. (Lumé’s inherent meaning of her name is: Dove). Some of the men in attendance brought shovels with which we all took and started to fill the grave with sand. It was deeply hurtful but also precious. The sadness in our two daughters’ eyes did not make things easier. How must a child experience this, if we as adults are so hurt ourselves? We turned away from the grave, knowing that we will need our Lord now more than ever before in our life’s. We will not be able to process Lumé’s death without our Healer. O Lord, please help us all through this!
A Young life celebrated
From the cemetery we went to church for the celebration service to be conducted. We were in awe of the amount of people already at the church. More than 1000 people & children followed the program set out. The school children sat in front with their school uniforms. I delivered my eulogy of Lumé, still with the inner strength and calmness I received earlier, our Lord still carrying me. (Post: Eulogy of Lumé). More than a thousand people listened to the beautiful message delivered by Dr Fourie van den Berg. It was God sent. The scriptures were:
John 14:1-4
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”
and
Romans 8:35-39
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The message during the service was that people load their life suitcases with heavy and unnecessary baggage such as stress, concern, fear, anger, hate, insecurity, reproach, and own agendas. It makes your suitcase heavy to carry. It is however important to rather realize how short our time on earth actually is. We all have a certain number of years that has been accounted to us. We don’t know when it will end, but what are you going to do with the bit that is remaining. The remainder of your life will be actually a lot shorter than you think. One third of it you will spend sleeping, and another third you will spend with normal stuff like eat, in a car, work, etc. How will you spend the third of the remaining time you still have to make a difference? He handled 5 questions during this message. Our wish would be that you read this sermon on a next post to come.
The service was beautiful and powerful and we appreciated each and every one that attended to support us and show the last respect to Lumé. We were utterly grateful for close friends and family that cancelled everything and flew in from Cape Town and Johannesburg to be with us and this event.
A beautiful end
From the church we went to a lantern walk at Danika’s school. As it was her last year in pre-primary school, we just could not miss this evening for her. The school dedicated the evening to Lumé, and it was the perfect end to a very difficult day. All the children walked down the road with the lights, it was just beautiful, a resemblance of Lumé’s name. Be a light for the world. I got a feeling of two meanings: for us the world is dark now, but there is and will be light and we still need to be the light for the world. People were shocked to see us there, and honour us to do such a brave thing, but how could we not. The message from the pastor there, the dedication to Lumé (as she was also in that pre-school), and the lanterns burning in the night…. – It felt that it was formulated just for us. Around 20:00 we went home, and knew that our New Zealand friends and business mentors, Tony & Mary Henderson, Tony & Juliet Brockwell from South-Africa and Ronel’s uncle (her late dad’s brother) and wife, Wilhelm and Hettie Snyman from South-Africa were waiting as they would leave the next morning. We organized some snacks and drinks and this was one of the best evenings I would never forget. We laughed at so many stories and jokes they told about experiences, it lifted our spirit and eased the pain for a brief while. In our living room, feeling the warmth of the fireplace, and having wine with awesome people that made us laugh – I thought: “We made it through this day, and everything was good with a perfect end.”
Life after the funeral doesn’t stop. The wheel of life slowly starts to turn again, whether we want to be on it or not. We were wrapped in this huge bubble of support of a network of people – feeling so overwhelmed by so much love, support, help and care that we called them Angels from Heaven – God sent. It felt like we were in a trance or in a state of hypnosis. Everything was blurry. And I realized that this bubble will soon burst and then the bloody war we found ourselves in will become messy. Our thoughts took us on a roller coaster ride which is not thrilling or exciting. Rather one of those that you wish you could die… you are not strapped in and hold on with all your strength, your tummy feel it’s outside your body and you feel your heart could stop. It made me think of the time we went on the “finding nemo” ride with Lumé and Charné in Disneyland, Paris. Ronel said that it looks like a cool cute ride. One thing you need to know is that Ronel hates roller coasters. She really gets all her courage together and she chooses them very carefully. She quickly realised that finding nemo was not the little cute one, and as a result she was white in her face when we got out. She had to sit and stabilize herself. Lumé and Charné loved it and after provoking their mother went for a second round. I can relate why Ronel compares these feelings of extreme grief the same as a roller coaster ride. For me it’s like I’m in a middle of the ocean with a storm and the waves are tumbling, tossing and turning me upside down – struggling to get to the top to breath. The moment you manage to take a small breath when at the top – the next wave comes even bigger – taking you down. It’s a mixture of guilt, shock, unbelief, sadness, numbness and anger with limited periods of extreme calmness and peace. Heaven and the grave were constantly in our mind, and we deliberately needed to focus on Lumé in Heaven, and not in the grave..
Ronel started to read a lot from the books that people gave. She wanted to know everything about Heaven, the afterlife and other grieving mothers. Our attention was brought to the times we as gentiles are living in – within bible prophecies which are fascinating. (Read more in posts to follow).
When Death Becomes Birth (Written by Max Lucado)
You, as all God’s children, live one final breath from your own funeral. Which, from God’s perspective, is nothing to grieve. He responds to these grave facts with this great news: “The day you die is better than the day you are born” – Ecclesiastes 7:1. Now there is a twist. Heaven enjoys a maternity-ward reaction to funerals. Angels watch body burials the same way grandparents monitor delivery-room doors. “He’ll be coming through any minute!” They can’t wait to see the new arrival. While we’re driving hearses and wearing black, they’ve been hanging pink and blue streamers and passing out balloons. We don’t grieve when babies enter the world. The hosts of heaven don’t weep when we leave it. Oh, but many of us weep at the thought of death. Do you? Do you dread your death? Is your fear of dying robbing your joy of living? Jesus came to deliver those who have lived all their lives as slaves to the fear of dying. Hebrews 2:14-15 -“.....through His death he might destroy the Devil, who has the power over death, and in this way set free those who were slaves all their lives because of their fear of death.”
THINGS WE DID OR DID NOT DO:
